Doubt and insecurity

you held her
the same way you held me
yet you did not love her
but you love me

you kissed her
the same way you kissed me
yet you did not love her
and say you love me

you looked at her
the way you looked at me
yet you did not love her
and supposedly love me

How am I any different
when the same way you did not love her
Is the way you ‘love’ me.

For the girls you did not love.

Expression

lava-volcano-toy-wallpaper-4

As the angst deepened, her rage surfaced. In that moment she would rather be seen as an angry witch than a pitiful woman.

And as the rage rose like boiling lava out of a volcano. She knew she could not be angry forever.

Molten lava must one day turn to rock.

Eventually the dust and ash will fall and settle.

Angst, Anger, Outburst, Calm
Magma, Eruption, Lava, Rock

She is starting now to value emotional expression in all its forms, but she does not want the anger to last.

She had once valued her passivity yet still unaffected barrier.
But under high temperatures even rock was once lava.

Life – A confession

Life really is a struggle, life is not easy
It is sometimes the small
Not big things that grind away at our hearts and souls
Because they ‘should’ be easy. Right?
We have ‘control’ over them.

A sense of responsibility for our own decisions
That awaken insecurities for making wrong choices.

She is not starving
She has a roof over her head
She has a steady job

The comforts of modern living
and still it feels so damn hard… Was she ungrateful?

She feels guilty. dissonant, ambivalent
She feels guilty for feeling everything and nothing at all.

Struggle

Missing you…

If it wasn’t for your death
I may have crumbled a long time ago
Is that thought realistic or not
as I still feel like I’m crumbling?

For what damage can teardrops cause
If a hurricane couldn’t destroy me?

A struggle I never thought I would have to make it through so soon
A silent resilience; letting me know I can survive beyond my darkest imagination
I know nobody was meant to live forever on this earth

My love, your death was a hurricane
I’m shattered but still here…

 

Struggling

Struggle

Brick – Daily Prompt – Monorhyme

For the longest time I have been focused on building myself up

But with mismatched bricks and shaky foundations it feels like I’m in a death trap

Now I’m gonna unbuild myself, slowly deconstruct

Until I’m left bare, rebuilding  with the bricks of the past, I will not lack

 

Those same bricks that have been caging me in

Will be used to develop thicker skin

Foundations made of faith and compassion

Where doubt and fear may be present but not overwhelming

 

Although the process may be bittersweet

Where losing my old self feels like  a win and a defeat

The ground I’ll walk on will feel solid and sure under my feet

Merging my past hurts with my future hopes like reinforced concrete