Where do I go from here?

I have become someone I never wanted to be and I didn’t even know it.

As I stand in front of the mirror I don’t even recognise myself anymore and frankly speaking I don’t even think I ever did… (I know, cliche)

What I do know is I’ve lost something…

I’ve lost so much and I don’t think I can ever get it back.

I’m now struggling to find things of value I have gained or learned in the midst of this grief and sadness. This endless grief and sadness.

Where do I go from here?


Organise your thoughts, Organise your feelings




Organise your thoughts, organise your thoughts

Organise your feelings, organise your feelings

You got this!

I have long given up on

controlling my thoughts, controlling my thoughts

controlling my feelings, controlling my feelings

I don’tgotthat!

Life can be messy sometimes and you have to go with the flow

Observe your thoughts, observe your thoughts

Observe your feelings, Observe your feelings

I can do this!

Life can be hard, depressing and confusing!

Ignore your thoughts, Ignore your thoughts

Ignore your feelings, Ignore your feelings

I cannot do that!

Life goes on, you cannot deny it!

Organise your thoughts, Organise your thoughts

Organise your feelings, Organise your feelings

You got this!



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An ode to love and loss of love.



20160925_151712.jpgEnamored with the idea of love, that I could not fully rip myself from the prison the feeling convicted me to.

Enamoured with the idea of perseverance,  running towards the danger with the constant pull of a bungee in my mind

The thing about that is eventually you will have to snap back and there is limited control. But still, the are only two choices one is to bounce back and reach the platform you jump from another is for the cord to snap and you fall into the dark or rock bottom…

After all, love has been described as a free fall. Fall into fear, exhilaration, trust, hope…. Arguably the only control you have is the point at which you choose to jump.

But what is control when you are enamored by the idea of love?

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Doubt and insecurity

you held her
the same way you held me
yet you did not love her
but you love me

you kissed her
the same way you kissed me
yet you did not love her
and say you love me

you looked at her
the way you looked at me
yet you did not love her
and supposedly love me

How am I any different
when the same way you did not love her
Is the way you ‘love’ me.

For the girls you did not love.



As the angst deepened, her rage surfaced. In that moment she would rather be seen as an angry witch than a pitiful woman.

And as the rage rose like boiling lava out of a volcano. She knew she could not be angry forever.

Molten lava must one day turn to rock.

Eventually the dust and ash will fall and settle.

Angst, Anger, Outburst, Calm
Magma, Eruption, Lava, Rock

She is starting now to value emotional expression in all its forms, but she does not want the anger to last.

She had once valued her passivity yet still unaffected barrier.
But under high temperatures even rock was once lava.

Life – A confession

Life really is a struggle, life is not easy
It is sometimes the small
Not big things that grind away at our hearts and souls
Because they ‘should’ be easy. Right?
We have ‘control’ over them.

A sense of responsibility for our own decisions
That awaken insecurities for making wrong choices.

She is not starving
She has a roof over her head
She has a steady job

The comforts of modern living
and still it feels so damn hard… Was she ungrateful?

She feels guilty. dissonant, ambivalent
She feels guilty for feeling everything and nothing at all.


Missing you…

If it wasn’t for your death
I may have crumbled a long time ago
Is that thought realistic or not
as I still feel like I’m crumbling?

For what damage can teardrops cause
If a hurricane couldn’t destroy me?

A struggle I never thought I would have to make it through so soon
A silent resilience; letting me know I can survive beyond my darkest imagination
I know nobody was meant to live forever on this earth

My love, your death was a hurricane
I’m shattered but still here…